Letters from Jacques Cochonnet
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Daily Trans Tasman reports 2006
On 09/05/06, I emailed PNZ Executive member Brian Smith:
"Hi Brian,
Are there going to be any daily Trans Tasman reports available on the Web during May 13/14?
Cheers, Tom."
He emailed this letter as his reply:
"Attached is a letter I have received from the Communications Sub
Committee. Brian."
"Communications Sub Committee
Horowhenua Trans Tasman Organising Committee
Horowhenua Petanque Club
Levin
30th April 2006
Dear Mr Brian Smith
Re: 2006 Trans Tasman Challenge Communicating the Results Strategy
In response to your letter of 20th April 2006 requesting information on how we intend to communicate the results of the 2006 Trans Tasman we have drawn up a ‘Communicating the Results Strategy’.
While acknowledging that this is a PNZ organised event, and PNZ may feel they have ‘ownership rights’ over the results, we the Communications Sub Committee believe that this event is bigger than PNZ and deserves to be exposed to the world at large and not to just a few members of PNZ who spend all day looking at the PNZ website. We have been inundated with requests from international media, local media and other interested parties for access to the results.
We feel that it is vital in today’s mass media world that the results of such an important event as the Trans Tasman Challenge should be communicated to the world using the latest, fastest and quickest technology available eg. internet, satellite, GPR (Ground Penetrating Radio). It is with this in mind that we are proposing the following strategy:
Communicating the Results Strategy
1. Preamble
We acknowledge that there needs to be a degree of secrecy surrounding this operation without compromising the speedy delivery of the results. We also acknowledge the possibility of terrorist groups attempting to interfere with this operation. With this in mind we have made contact with the White House and have obtained a copy of President Bush’s ‘War on Terror Strategy’. From the advice in this document we have locked in place a comprehensive strategy to ensure that the results get through unimpeded by outside forces.
2. Stage (1): Moving the results from the terrain
At the conclusion of each round the score sheets will be removed from the scorers table and taken to the clubhouse. Once there the results will be encoded onto a microchip. The microchip will then be surgically inserted into the inside upper left thigh of a lady club member. This club member disguised as an elderly French onion seller will cycle to a secret location on the outskirts of Levin. Once there the microchip will be removed and readied for the next stage of delivery.
3. Stage (2): Getting the results to Wellington
This stage has probably been the most difficult to organise. We decided that the only way to get the microchip to Wellington was by pigeon. This method meets all the security and secrecy requirements that we have put in place. Having decided on the use of pigeons we then made contact with Levin’s champion pigeon fancier, Mr Dave Spart. But unfortunately two weeks ago as a result of an unsavoury intimate relationship with his No1 champion pigeon, “Shamus Warnie” he is now incarcerated at Her Majesty’s pleasure in a local prison. However Dave has agreed that we can still use his pigeons provided we treat them with due care and attention. At this stage we think it is prudent not to inform Dave that we intend to insert microchips into his pigeons.
As soon as the microchip arrives at the secret location it will be inserted (very carefully) into a pigeon. This pigeon will then be programmed with its flight path details for a rendezvous with Dave’s father on the summit of Wellington’s Mt Victoria.
We are also conscious that the duck shooting season has commenced and in order to avoid any chance of our pigeon being mistakenly shot at, several other pigeons will be disguised as ducks. They will accompany our pigeon in a classic WW2 RAF Fighter Command formation to deflect any stray shotgun pellets.
4. Stage (3): Distribution of results to international & local media and other interested parties
As soon as the pigeon arrives on Mt Victoria Dave’s father will swiftly kill the pigeon with a blow from a sharp axe, remove the microchip, retain the head as proof of receipt and place the body in a chilli bag. At some stage during Sunday afternoon the pigeon bodies will be transported back to Levin in time to be prepared for the Presentation Dinner.
As soon as the microchip has been removed from the pigeon Dave’s father will decode the information and using a series of mirrors will flash (we have been assured that Dave’s father is an experienced ‘flasher’) the information to Telecom’s Wellington exchange. We have been in contact with Telecom’s representative, a Ms Gattung, who has agreed that we can use her secretary as the receiving point for Dave’s father’s flashing. Once Ms Gattung’s secretary has received the information she will transfer it to Telecom’s Information Highway for transmitting to all parties interested in obtaining the results of this important event.
5. In Conclusion
We, the Communications Sub Committee, believe that the strategy we have put in place will meet all the needs of the international and local media and other interested parties in gaining access to the Trans Tasman results. The strategy also meets the needs of secrecy and security as outlined in the Preamble.
Finally we hope this strategy meets the PNZ Trans Tasman Organising Committee’s expectations. We look forward to your response.
Yours faithfully
Dermot Biggles
Secretary
Communications Sub Committee
Horowhenua Trans Tasman Organising Committee
Horowhenua Petanque Club"
Needless to say that I am disappointed with this reply to a polite request for information from PNZ. We get a lot of Australian visitors to our Blog and Wiki - especially from NSW and Adelaide. I just want to tell visitors where they can find results. Why did Brian Smith spent so much time typing a spiteful and poor imitation of a Jacques Cochonnet letter?. -Tom van B.
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